Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Fool For Love

We often read, hear or listen to songs about puppy-love but as adults we know that puppy-love is nothing compared to the real thing!  When you are a teenager and you and your girlfriend hold hands and kiss with no tongue (Thats right Kennedy, that is all you do before you are 21). But when you are a kid despite how dramatic the ending of your love may be, you are just a good drunk and a couple nights with friends and you are over it.  We are left with fond memories, smiles on our faces and seldom are there hard feelings that last long term.
So what about when you are an adult and your heart is on the line. The absolute pain that you feel as an adult when you feel a broken heart for the first time.
I remember Harry. I won't give his real name but I should plaster that dickwad's name all over youtube. Not that I'm bitter or anything. lol Im just kidding.
Im actually not bitter. Im still sad. It had been 9 years or so since I have seen or spoken to him but I still remember the sound of his voice. I can here his silly laugh in my head and I can remember how he would make me feel.
He was older than me, He was in his 30's and I was still in my 20's. I met him by fluke and for the better part of 2 years we were together almost every day.
In the beginning he would bring me picnics and lay the spread out in my living room, have wine, cheese and music. He was so romantic. We would go for supper and he would drive for miles out of the way to these quiet isolated restaurants where we would have personal meals distanced from anyone we knew.
Harry and I would hike the trails around the city but rarely walked down Water Street shopping. We had never gone to a movie or even to the mall. After about 6 months I was really starting to feel something had to give.
I asked him if I could come to his house sometime, as we always were at my house. He told me he had a roommate and it wasn't a good idea. He eventually confessed that this roommate was his ex and I actually told him that was fine, as long as we were honest and trusted each other. I really wasn't fine with this situation but I loved this guy so much that I had to be fine with everything in order to make this work. That is honestly what I thought at that time.
Harry and I were passionate. We loved and had no trouble expressing that love. We laughed and we cried together and we shared so much. I had chosen to bring Kennedy into this relationship and they seemed to genuinely adore each other. Harry met my family and my friends and as far as I could see things were perfect. If it wasn't for this ex/roommate maybe this relationship could progress a bit further.
One night we were laying in my bed when I heard a knock at my door. It was late, it took me a few minutes to get dressed and get to the door and then I could hear a voice. "I know you're in there Harry!"
Instantly i was gutted. I knew who it was before I opened the door. My worst fear. He wasn't Harry's roommate at all but he was Harry's boyfriend. I opened the door and looked him in his face. He was angry. he was gutted. I did not have one negative feeling toward him at all. I felt so bad that I was in this triangle. Harry was hiding in my apartment somewhere and eventually his boyfriend left. I don't even remember if I spoke a word to him but i remember thinking he was so cute. I wondered what went wrong with them? I dared not ask.
Harry and I rushed out of my apt and went to a hotel for the night. He was acting like the fugitive and I wanted explanations. He told me that he was leaving his bf and he had been planning this. He just needed to get away tonight, then tomorrow he was going home to pack up his clothes and he was coming back to my place until we figured everything out. We laid in bed that night and he slept soundly. I didn't. I was a nervous wreck. Why would he leave his bf now? Why now, suddenly after all these lies? How could I trust him at all. What if he did this to me?
The next morning Harry dropped me off at my place and he went home to packed his things and return. I didn't hear from him for 8 days. Within that 8 day period I had gone through every possible stage or mourning! I was so mad. I must have called him 200 times and filled his voicemail repeatedly. I walked completely across town and went to his house. I knocked on his door. His bf answered with a glass of wine in his hand and music playing in the background. He looked at me with pity. Harry turned the corner into the hall and looked at me square in the eyes and said "Jay you have to go." I heard him say those words but the blindness of love caused me to see something different. He looked trapped. he looked in pain. He looked like he wished he could run away with me. I turned around and walked all the way back home.
It was a long walk and during that time I had decided to let this all go. I deserved better that this. I would not call him again. I would respect his bf and let them live this life together and heal over the damage that I caused.
Harry and I would see each other again and I indeed felt a love for him that I had never felt before. He constantly assured me that he would end things with his bf and I always believed him. We really did have a connection.  As time marched all over what was our relationship, I remember feeling consumed. I was completely overwhelmed and all I could think about was Harry. I wanted him so badly. I wanted what his bf had. I wanted him to love me enough to make that happen.
On September 11, 2001 as buildings were falling in NYC I sat in my apt that looked over the harbour and watched plane after plane after place landing here. These planes were full of people that needed genuine help and had real problems I was worried about Harry. I distanced myself from that point on. I saw him from time to time but I didn't really let myself get lost in him again. I got a new place with a new roommate and I recall him coming to that place only once. He came in and fell to his knees and cried. He begged me to forgive him and he cried. He promised me that things were different and he changed and he wanted to have a life with me. Oh how he cried. He was leaving for Halifax that night for a few days with work and he would call me when he returned. He used to tell his bf he was going to Halifax when he was coming to my house.
I sat with my roommate and talked all about this whole story. She was actually my best friend and we and been friends since 1983. She didn't sugar coat anything and she told me I was a fucking fool.
I went online and started to investigate Harry a little. What I found out about him was devastating. I chatted with man after man who had been with barry of the past couple of years that I thought he was only with me. Friends of mine had sent me emails warning me about him. The truth was all out. I had his screen names and I had all the information I needed.
One evening I waiting online for him to show up. He was supposed to be in Halifax but I knew that he wasn't. Then it happened, he came in the chatroom. I knew what he was looking for. After all I have been with him for 2 years. I began to chat with him. I Told him what I wanted to do to him in a sexual kinda way. I set the trap. I waited. He took the bate. I asked him to meet me at a parking lot by a local hotel in 30 mins. I raced over to this lot and positioned myself in a way that he would not recognize me until it was too late. He drove up and saw that back of this young man in a ball cap and red jacket. when I heard him getting closer my heart was racing. I trembled in anticipation and fear. I was crying but I didn't even realize that at this point.
"Hey!" I heard his voice as his SUV stopped behind me. I stood up, turned around, looked him in his face and said "Bye Harry!" and I walked away. He said nothing but he peeled out of that parking lot like he was being shot at.
Harry never called me again and I only ever saw him once after that. Shortly after that last meeting in the parking lot I bought my first house. It was a couple of blocks from his. I often saw his car driving around but one night, I was out smoking on my patio and as I heard a car coming up the hill. Harry's face came into sight and he was staring at me, window down, I could see the pain in his eyes. I took a puff of my smoke flicked it to the road, turned my back and never laid eyes on him again.
After this nightmare that I experience with Harry I became very reclusive, began abusing drugs, didn't date and I honestly felt like I wanted to die. I definitely took it hard. Within 18 months of all of this I sold everything and moved to Toronto to escape. That didn't help at all. It took me years to really heal from what I had gone through and I eventually began to smile again, get my health back and I moved back to St.John's. For the first time in a very long time I felt I was ready to maybe meet a nice guy. The day after I got home I met Darren. He helped heal my broken heart and made me realize that I indeed could love again.
Broken hearts are funny. They make you feel a pain that you cannot ever imagine getting over but when they heal you are somehow stronger, smarter and more ready to love than ever before. 
You really can't be afraid to fall in love. Sometimes is works and sometimes its like a hot poker in the chest. Either way it is a reminder that you are alive and are ready to change. There is still a part of me that will always love Harry and I choose now to remember the good times. He was and still is just a man.  I wasn't meant to be with him and if it weren't for him I would not have had so many of the experiences that I have had since then. I would never have met Darren and I would never had learned this lesson.
Being a fool for love means I get to learn and grown constantly. Every line on my face, every wrinkle under my eyes are a direct result of the tears of a lost loves or the laughs and smiles of the great ones!

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