Friday, 4 November 2011


By this point I'm sure that you are all wondering how this manly hunk of gay manhood ever became a father in the first place. Kennedy is indeed my natural child and not adopted although if I could pick one I would pick her a million times.
Back in 1996 I was the centre of every party! I had friends and I loved to party, dance and make as many people laugh as I could. Of all of my friends, ever, there was one person that was special. She always made me laugh and never fed into my ego. She was my best friend. We shared everything. She was Tara.
Just before Christmas she asked me to go to her work Christmas party. The semester was almost over and we could both use a good party, so we went! I danced on tables and she laughed, oh how she laughed that night. We stumbled into a cab and headed for home.
Our friendship had always just been that, a friendship. But that night, in our drunken foolishness we took it that step further. Laying there after, sweaty, broken condom and that awkward silence was the reality of what we had done. Or so we thought.
Life went on after that night and we both went home to enjoy our families for the holidays and met back up afterwards to celebrate the festivities ourselves. It did not damage our relationship. We still had that bond, that love that we did not have to speak about.
One night, along with a few friends, we decided to head down to George street and partake in the Beer-Wars of the 90's. When you could get a beer for .19cents but you had to drink fast because in a 1/2 hour they would go up to .29cents! So off we went and after we had spent about 5 bucks each we were tanked! I wanted to dance all night. The girls decided that we head over to The Zone, which was the local gay bar. I refused. I would not go and we may as well just go home. Within 20 minutes we were all dancing to the sounds of techno music and mezmerizing lights. Guys had no shirts on and there was this one guy in particular. He was beautiful. His cheeky grin would not leave my gaze. I didn't know what I was feeling but I knew that it was something that I had been trying to suppress for a long time.
I ran out back for air and pulled out a smoke. the flick of a lighter illuminated his beautiful face standing next to me. He lit my smoke. He kissed my lips. It was then, for the first time in my life that I felt that feeling that I heard so much about. Butterflies. Within 10 minutes we were in my bed and it was like a movie. It changed the way I thought about sex and it was the most liberating experience of my life.
Layers and years of lying, hiding, fear, hatred were slipping away with each touch, each kiss. I was alive.
The sun rose the next day and he slipped out my door. I knew then that I had to tell someone. I knew I had to start my life.
It was 5 days later. Tara and I had gone our for drinks to celebrate.... Thursday! Like most students did! We were walking up the steep downtown hills and I started to cry. Her gentle nature and soft touch assured me that I could talk to her. She sat my down on the steps in front of the Basilica and asked me to tell her what was wrong. "Nothing is wrong. I'm Gay!" I waited for her response. For her to run away, slap me. I thought I was about to lose my best friend in the world. She hugged me and said "OMG that's ok, most people thought it anyway!" She followed up that statement by asking me if I had told my parents yet.  Sweet Jesus, I never thought about that. Now she was just as drunk as me and she assured me that calling my parents in the middle of the night to tell them I was a fag was a great idea.
I sat on the living room floor and dialled the number. It rang more than usual. They must be asleep. I was about to hang up when that familiar cheery voice of my Mom answered with a Hello. So I told her, she laughed and she told me that she was waiting for this call and that she loved me and everything was fine. She asked if I wanted to speak with my Father. AS IF! I told her to tell him and when he finished freaking out and breaking things that he could call me to talk. I hung up. about 10 seconds later my phone rang. It was my Dad, he told me he loved me and that he was sorry if he ever hurt me. He confessed that he didn't understand it all before but the moment he found out I was gay, that changed it all for him. He was proud of me and he loved me. He then got my bother on the phone to hear me come out again and I got to hear Billy tell me he loved me and that it was all ok. When my sister phoned me a few minutes later it was just getting creepy. Her message of love and acceptance was genuine. That being said, we weren't a mushy, I love you kinda family. We were loud and funny and somewhat abrasive. Suddlenly I was in the middle of some Kumbaya circle of love and i was a bit irritated. On Saturday when my parents called for the umpteenth time to tell me they loved me etc I asked my mom to be herself. Tell me what was really going on! She can't be totally happy that Im gay. Something has to be bothering her. She told me the truth. she said "I'm upset to know that you will never give me grandkids."
It hit my like a ton of bricks. I didn't think about that at all during the coming out process. I never thought about the fact that I was not going to be a Dad. Like most things in life I would leave it up to the gods to figure out. If it was meant to happen, it would.
So off Tara and I went to rent a movie and veg out on that freezing cold January afternoon.  As we walked up Prescott Street though the snowbanks and drifts I casually asked her "Did you get your period?" She was a swimmer and an athlete and she insisted that her period never comes on time. We walked a few more steps. "Maybe we should get a test" I said. She laughed and said that was stupid. She was not pregnant. She went home with the movie and I ran to the local drug store. I only had $23 to my name and that test took almost every cent! I ran back home with it and told her what to do and how it worked. She was talking long distance on the phone and didn't even break in her conversation to go pee on that stick. She laid it on the back of the toilet and flopped back on the bed without her phone friend even knowing what was going on.
I stood in that bathroom for 5 minutes. I could hear Tara's voice laughing and talking with her friend. I could hear the snow plow hammering down the street. I could hear that irritating drip in the toilet. I didn't know what to think or feel. I was numb really. However the test turned out I had no idea how to react.
I had placed the soap dish over it so not to let the air contaminate the test and as I pulled the soap dish off I quickly saw what was beneath it. There was a bright blue + sign. Shit, it was then i realized that I had to tell Tara that she was pregnant. OMG, she was pregnant. Pregnant. I walked into the room and passed her the test. She was 21, she ran out of the room and it was a couple of days before we talked about this. Our other roommates knew something was happening but even we didn't know what to say.
After a few days, we both knew we would have and raise this baby and we both knew I was gay. We talked and laughed and cried. We decided that we would get our own house, and have our baby. When this baby was 2 and we were both finished school we would go on with our lives individually. And so we did. For the next 2 years and 8 months we lived and loved. we laughed and did our prenatal classes. I bought a family car and we figured out how to use a carseat. we bought a crib and we decorated a room. we slept in the same bed every night and i kissed her belly constantly. We sang and told stories and felt the kicks and bumps that the baby created. We layed on the floor and picked out names and decided not to tell anyone because people are assholes and will say something negative if they hate it! I loved Tara. I loved her like I will never love a man. She was carrying my baby and she was doing it despite the drama and secrets we held inside. She was my hero. She was just a child herself. I came home from work one night to see her sitting on the floor crying while trying to put a playpen together. She didn't cry often. "Princess Diana is dead" she said. We both sat there watching the tv in disbelief and in tears.
A couple of weeks later my beautiful little precious baby girl was born. She was perfect and her middle name would be Diana. This sounds dumb but she really has the grace of the woman for whom she was named. She is her mother though and through. We stayed together for another 2 years and raised that baby together. We were there when she crawled, walked, spoke, ate, laughed, hugged, kissed and said Daddy for the first time. When Kennedy turned 2 we got our own places and it was devastating. It was our deal and we both needed this but I was lost and depressed. It was months before I began to live my life and be happy. I eventually became happy again. Kennedy live just down the road and I see her and her mom pretty much every day.
Tara is still the woman in my life that I admire most and if she had a penis we would be married! lol She recently had a new baby girl with her fiancé and I can't deny that I love that baby like she was my own. there are 4 woman/girls in my life that fill me with love on sight. My mother is my strength, Tara is my heart, Kennedy is my blood and little Olivia is my future. I am so happy and so blessed to have them in my heart. My cup runneth over!

1 comment:

  1. Oh jesus christ, I am bawling! What a lovely story. What a lucky girl that Kennedy is. xo