Favourite Things

Julie Andrews as "Fraulein Maria"

Raindrops on roses & whiskers on kittens.
Sometimes when I am having a particularly tough night I do what Fraulein Maria says to do and I simply remember my favourite things. It is clear that Maria and I are from completely different worlds as her favourite things are nothing like mine.
Let's start  at the very beginning, a very good place to start. LOL I couldn't help myself there.
So we have raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, neither of which I am particularly found of. I suppose I have seen a raindrop on a rose before but of all things in life, this would fall near the end of my list. As for the whiskers on kittens, wouldn't it be weird if the kitten had no whisks at all? Perhaps I just take that one for granted.
So now we have bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. Bright copper kettle don't even make me smile and warm woollen mittens remind me of winter. So again we are at the bottom of the list.
Brown Paper packages tied up with strings are things  we take away from the bitter so that can go on my list. I like meat.
Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel really do rank high for me. Ponies are just mini horses and to me seem like angry strong people trapped in an animals body. Apple desserts are gross and collectively fall at the bottom of my list.
Doorbells & sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodle. Hmmmm, this a tough one. Doorbells definitely have a great function in life but I can't get all exited and grant them favourite thing status. Sleigh bells to me are simply and instrument in the Christmas concert. I have never even seen a sleigh in real life so I am not buying this one. Schnitzel with noodle on the other hand is one of my favourite foods for sure! So finally me and Mrs. Von Trapp have something in common. 
I have been shit on too many geese in life to appreciate the wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, so I am not even gonna discuss the merits of this one.
So when we break down this beloved song of Maria Von Trapp's favourite things we really begin to see that it must be the tune that has captured us for close to 50 years because that lady had some freaky favourite things.
One thing we have to remember I suppose is that Maria Von Trapp didn't write that song. It was written for the movie "The Sound of Music" and was more than likely a list of nobody's favourite things but rather a rhyming little jingle that made us all smile.
Julie Andrews won our hearts with her portrayal of the lovely nun who fell in love with a handsome Captain while eating schnitzel and admiring geese by night but I don't believe that the list of things we sing about today could possible be today.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes? really? Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes? Wouldn't that make you dead? Fraulein Maria was way smarter that that. She didn't seem like the kinda lady that would love a blue satin sash better than anything.
She fled the Nazis in the 1930's and she and her family eventually settled in the States performing their magic for generations.
Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to this day will sing those cherished songs in public concerts around the world. Poor old Maria has since passed away and the world is left with the odd appearance of Julie Andrews on "The View" to see the smile of Maria alive again.
I am not going to bother to list my own favourite things in song here today as mine would most not likely be g-rated but I did find a clever little parody of the song on the Von Trapp's website.  I like to think it was the song that the dear old Maria would have been singing in her final years. God Love her.
We all know the tune so please, take a moment and sing along to the new Von Trapp family's favourite things.

My Favorite Things – A Parody

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
And the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

The Real Maria

Adieu, Adieu to you and you and you. xoxo

The One That Got Away

I fell in love once, quickly and intensely with a guy, but he scared me. He scared the hell out of me. He was younger, clever, tall and strong. He was beautiful. His confidence was unlike anything I had ever seen or experienced before. I met him around the same time I met Darren and both of them intrigued me. What was the most obvious difference between the two was that one pursued me clearly and passionately and one didn't.
I am such a bitch at times. When a man likes you and makes it clear that he likes you, often time us chicks run to the guy who ignores us and treats us indifferently. Del liked me and genuinely showed me he liked me. He was gentle and sweet. He would kiss me and make the hairs on my neck stand on end.
He would call me and show up at my door with romantic gestures and make me feel like such a man. Del showed me that men can love men and it can be nothing but natural and masculine. He showed me that I was worthy of a public kiss and a snog in the corner of a bar. He made that summer so much fun and made our brief time passionate, exciting and it was love to me.
Looking back now, I don't know if I fell "in" love that summer but he taught me what love was and what love could be between two men. I ultimately had to make a choice and I have tried not to look back at that choice over that last 4 years, but sometimes I do.
A while back I read on Facebook that he and his handsome boyfriend were going to get married. It made me kind of sad. Like that chapter of my life that I had indeed put on hold 4 years ago had been closed.
I wondered if I had made a mistake. My relationship with Darren had not really gone where I had wanted it to go and it was mostly my fault, but I felt very lonely. I love Darren and always will but I suddenly felt that guttural feeling for Del.
That moment of regret was quickly replaced. I realized that Del moving to Vancouver and finding love  was definitely a great thing. It taught me that there are fish in that sea that we share for a brief time and we release and there are some that will will tag along with for life. Del was my catch and release and I love what we shared. It will always be there and always be real. It was passionate, it was intense and it was real. It was Del.
Everyone needs a summer like the one I spent with Del. It is my right of passage. It was a life lesson and it was love. He was my Dirty Dancing, my Stand By Me and my Footloose all rolled up into one hell of a sexy man. That summer taught me what to look for in life, in love and in my future. Del has become my gauge for the men I want to date now. If they don't make me feel like Del made me feel, I know it isn't worth it.
Del you are awesome, you are hot as balls and you are going to have the happiest life with the best guy ever.
Del, I have a little message to your man.... Congratulations mister. xo

Please Stab My Nipple, And The Other Thx.

Simply put, I wanted to have a pierced nipple. I am not sure why, I am not sure where I saw one first and I am not sure why I thought it wouldn't hurt. All of these things aside I called down to a local tattoo/piercing shop, inquired about an estimate and made an appointment.
We parked the car and I began to almost run to the shop with childlike excitement. I was almost giddy with anticipation. This was one of those decisions in life that came by lightly. I really did not weigh out the pros and cons and just thought it would be cool to have a pierced nipple.
We walked into the shop filled with rebellious teens with spikes in their heads and tattoos on their necks. I for the first time during this experience began to doubt what I was doing. I appeared to be entering the underbelly of St. John's. For the first time during this piercing my nipple phase, the red flags began to appear. I looked around the waiting rooms and every little freaky kid there turned into a red flag. The girl behind the counter with the spider web tattoo and the bad attitude was red flag. Then, came out the "dude" who was going to be stabbing me. He was cute, in a tattooed, pierced, homeless, California skateboarder kind of way. He was a huge red flag.
For most people when they see a red flag in their life it is a moment for them to pause, think, and rationalize a decision that they are about to make. It is your human instinct telling you to run away and hide. I simply painted those red flags white, saved face and did what I had intended to do. I would just learn my lesson later.
I walked into a room that had tools and a dentist chair. Darren came with me. I was suddenly not feeling well and the fear of what was about to happen was hitting me. I really wanted to be cool though. This little punk was making small talk with me about music etc and as I stripped of my shirt he asked me if I ever faint when I got needles. What a stupid question. Of course I faint when I get needles! I told him no. Darren gave me that pop eyed look and I immediately shut him up with a blank stare and I laid back in the chair.
It was at this moment that Darren and I knew that this was going to get ugly. These types of things never go smoothly for me and I was no doubt on the edge of one of those embarrassing and painful experiences that my therapist will spends years trying to block from my memory.
He asked me which one I wanted to do first? WTF? I suddenly realized that he was piercing both so I immediately thought about his question. Any normal person would state their intention of just wanting one and he would proceed and all would be good. I however, firmly stated " the left." You may wonder to yourself why I didn't say that I simply wanted one done but I had intended to do the left so I thought if it went poorly I would just say I changed my mind about the right one and I would leave with what I wanted.
He marked my nipples and put clamps on them to make them easier to drive a stake through. It was then That he said "OK Dude, let's do it." He proceeded to pierce my left nipple. I couldn't watch, breathe or really focus on anything. The adrenaline was coursing through my body and wether it was nature protecting me or my mind blocking this to protect me but I felt no pain. He asked me how it was? I looked at him and looked at Darren. They were both smiling and nodding at me. It was done. I felt a little pressure but there was no pain. I stood up and look in the full length mirror. Holy moly, it looked sexy. I was a stud. I totally got my nipple pierced and I didn't faint or anything. Then came the moment what would prove to be the beginning of my downfall that day. I said to the sexy, California, homeless dude, "do the other one."
As the words came out of my mouth I realized that it was a horrible mistake. I should have left good enough alone and left with one nipple pierced and have a good memory of this experience. I didn't however.
I assume that all of the protective adrenaline had drained from my body at this time. I was fully aware of what was happening. I was breathing and I was looking. He took this long, curved needle and attached the "horseshoe" ring to it and proceeded to push it through my right nipple.
As the needle pressed through, tearing the flesh along the way I felt a pain unlike anything I had ever felt before. I looked at Darren and he knew. He knew that I was about to lose my shit. He sees that look in my face every now and then and he knows there is nothing he can do to stop it. My body began to stiffen and I began to make a primal noise that I am sure could summon the dead and made dogs run away. As I screamed like a child being ripped in half I arched my back like a 4th degree yoga pose and raised my belly bottom to the ceiling and howled. I really cannot put that noise into words but is was loud, shrilling and came from a place inside me that I have never visited before.
The sexy, California, homeless dude was totally freaked out. He began pressing down on my chest trying to flatten my arched pose simply saying "dude, relax...dude, relax."
Finally the torture had ended the ring was in and I was was weak and sweating. I felt like had been tortured and beaten. I was exhausted and suddenly I realized that he was about to open that door where I had to go outside into the waiting room where no doubt there were a half dozen thugs and freaky kids laughing at me.
Sweat and tears were rolling down my face. I then had to pay for this and tip the little shit for stabbing me twice. I walked to the counter and feared looking back to see the faces of the people waiting.
I looked back in shock. The place was empty. I can only assume that the noises that came from my room must have scared the shit out of everyone of this little punks and they fled in fear. Maybe that was the good thing that came out of that day. Perhaps I saved some father from having to walk to the supper table that night to see his daughter with one of those bull rings in her nose or a spike going through her eyebrow. Maybe I was an instrument of good. I personally may have been a red flag that remained unpainted.
All I know is that the lesson "quit while you are ahead" would have been a great one to learn that day. That right nipple, that caused me such pain and torture went on to get infected and reject from my body.
I still have that left one and I still like it. I wear it like a badge of honour. I will have it until I die. After what I went through that day i will never let that this out of my flesh. It is like a bullet I got in Nam. Its there for good. My own war wound.
If you ever find yourself in a shop full of odd kids with spike in their heads and webs on their neck and some kid is drawing dots on your nipples and you are not sure of what you are doing. Stop, put your shirt back on and run. Trust me. Run like you have never ran before.
This spring I am going to get a half-sleeve tattoo. First I am going to my doctor for an Ativan prescription. Just sayin.