Sunday, 1 January 2012

To Live Or Die

So after a little break I have come back to you all. A lot has happened to me in the past few weeks not to mention Christmas and New Years.
I decided to take a little break from social networking for a little while to step back, look within and see where I was and where I wanted to be. Sometimes we get caught up in our own minds and problems and often forget what is really important in our lives and Christmas can do just that.
I have told many stories, both funny and serious and I have loved the responses from everyone but there is something about me that until now I haven't shared.
I am bi-polar.
I suffer from periodic breaks from my own reality and fall into deep and dark bouts of depression and long and dark periods where I can't seem to grasp what is real. I take medication every day to battle this disease and I know that despite how I feel I need my meds. That being said, I often find myself going days or perhaps weeks without my lithium. It's like I am challenging my own mental health and feel that maybe I have gotten over the disease and can go on without it. I am always wrong.
Its hard to talk about though, much less blog about it but I am sure that there are others reading this blog that are going through the same thing and it is time I say this out loud.
I am not sure how to explain to you what it is I feel and go through on a daily basis but what I can say is that it is tough. I want to be like everyone else. I want to understand my mind and not feel bombarded by thoughts and fears, but I can't.
Being bi-polar for me is embarrassing and sad. People look down on mental illness and as much as I want to suck it up and be real I can't. There is a chemical imbalance going on inside me that even I can't explain.
Self sabotage is my middle name. I know what I want in life and I know what I want to do but I just can't seem to make it happen. There are days that I can't get out of bed and I lay in fear of what is to come and there are days that I can jump over the rainbow. In between I find myself struggling to find my breath and try not to destroy the relationships that I hold dear.
Many of you know me personally and know that I have a wonderful man in my life that I hold near and dear. He has been there through the darkness and the light. He knows my potential and he trusts I will give him the life I dream of but he knows that I struggle to live each day.
Over the past few months we have drifted apart and he has watched me self destruct. I know that he was tortured by our bad times and that he wanted things to get better but he knew he had to let me find myself again. I drifted away from him although I knew he was right there. I watched him drift away although he knew I was right there.
As Christmas approached I was spiralling out of control. I lost my job, I was so depressed that I could barely speak. For the first time in many years of controlled medication I was contemplating my own mortality. It sounds so morbid and final but I was ready to just end the pain and chaos in my head. The fighting had to end and I just needed to bring peace to those I loved.
Can you imagine my thoughts of death bringing peace to those who loved me?
When Christmas came and I had all of my gifts wrapped under the tree and he was gone to his family without me I walked the house. I walked back and forth. I was going to kill myself. I just had to do it in a way that would not make a mess or scare them all for the rest of their lives. My mind had convinced me that it was the only way to get through this agony I felt.
Then he came home. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I was sorry and that I just needed to talk. I needed him to know how I felt and in turn I need to know how he felt.
He loves me. He just wanted me to talk to him. After almost 5 years he just wanted to be told that he was loved. We had almost lost everything because I failed to tell him how perfect he was.
When you suffer from a mental illness you almost always try to hide it. You almost always feel guilt and cross the road of suicide. What is important is that you talk to those that you love and let them know you are in trouble and need help. Darren opened his heart to me this holiday and let me know that no matter what is going on he will be there. He reminded me of his love and that when that dark, morbid, demon comes into my mind again I can talk to him and know that I am loved.
There is a little princess in my life and her name is Kennedy. She may not understand the illness that haunts her daddy but she can alway know that there is a man in our lives that saved us all in the Christmas in 2011. His name is Darren and I promise you and him that I will make him the happiest man in the world. He doesn't read these blogs often but I promise you and him that he will be my husband. It may not be this year or next year, but he will be the luckiest guy in the world very soon!
Thanks Darren for saving my life this year and giving me the chance to tackle 2012. I promise you that I will make you the happiest man in the coming years.
Do me a favour this new year and learn and understand mental illness. Reach out to your family or friends who suffer from this debilitating disease and let them know they are loved. Don't judge them, don't fight them, just love them. Every year thousands of people die at their own hands because they are suffering. When they are gone their names and their memories suffer more because people don't understand what was happening in their heads.
Mental illness is hard to understand. Imagine how hard it is to understand for those that can't even think straight.
Your love brings me comfort, your thoughts bring me joy, but to think that my words and thoughts can save the life of your loved ones will make it all worth while.
Please reach out, love and connect. You may just save a life.

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