Sunday, 1 January 2012

You Have 365 Days!

Let me start off by saying that this is my first mobile blog from my phone as I lay in the tub so I'm hoping this works!!!
I am laying here in the jacuzzi listening to Cosmo Radio thinking about what lies ahead. It's impossible to truly know but it is very possible to set the right path for yourself. 2011 was not the best year of my life but those hurdles have certainly made me look deeper and longer about what I want from 2012. Step 1 in attaining my dreams and goals in 2012 is to scream them out loud! In order to put my dreams out into the universe I must first send them out there from the highest mountain!
I want to find success! I want to stand on my own and change my world for me and my loved ones! Ultimately I want to own my own Bed & Breakfast but my lack of $885,000.00 right now means I must take baby steps this year!
I will find a truly educational job in the tourism industry that will set me on my path to B&B ownership! I will stay positive and I will achieve this goal.
I will also promise myself and everyone around me that I will be more calm and patient. When my dad asks me to take Facebook off his computer again for the 300th time I will pretend that it's possible and do it. I will drive in the car with my mother and let her criticize my driving despite her lack of even having a license. I will call and or text my brother and sister every week. I will let everyone know that I love them every time we speak.
Life is short and I'm no longer going to sweat the small stuff and will enjoy every breath I'm given.
My life will no longer be measured by my failures but rather by my successes! I will allow myself to win and lose and not simply sabotage my existence out of fear. I will not be afraid of success but will embrace it!
Every now and then I am going to scream from the top of my lungs to release the tension and anger that I would have directed at someone I love before.
2012 is going to be my year! I will always accept help and advice and not let my pride interfere in my happiness! I need a job so if u know of one, let me know. I could use some more great friends so if you know me, get closer. I could use a good laugh so please tell me a joke. I could use each and every one of you in my life everyday so please keep in touch.
So my dreams and hopes are out there for the gods to accept and make real! I know I'm going to do my part so what about you? Are you going to make this year the year that you change your world? I can't wait to see what we all can do in just 365 days!

To Live Or Die

So after a little break I have come back to you all. A lot has happened to me in the past few weeks not to mention Christmas and New Years.
I decided to take a little break from social networking for a little while to step back, look within and see where I was and where I wanted to be. Sometimes we get caught up in our own minds and problems and often forget what is really important in our lives and Christmas can do just that.
I have told many stories, both funny and serious and I have loved the responses from everyone but there is something about me that until now I haven't shared.
I am bi-polar.
I suffer from periodic breaks from my own reality and fall into deep and dark bouts of depression and long and dark periods where I can't seem to grasp what is real. I take medication every day to battle this disease and I know that despite how I feel I need my meds. That being said, I often find myself going days or perhaps weeks without my lithium. It's like I am challenging my own mental health and feel that maybe I have gotten over the disease and can go on without it. I am always wrong.
Its hard to talk about though, much less blog about it but I am sure that there are others reading this blog that are going through the same thing and it is time I say this out loud.
I am not sure how to explain to you what it is I feel and go through on a daily basis but what I can say is that it is tough. I want to be like everyone else. I want to understand my mind and not feel bombarded by thoughts and fears, but I can't.
Being bi-polar for me is embarrassing and sad. People look down on mental illness and as much as I want to suck it up and be real I can't. There is a chemical imbalance going on inside me that even I can't explain.
Self sabotage is my middle name. I know what I want in life and I know what I want to do but I just can't seem to make it happen. There are days that I can't get out of bed and I lay in fear of what is to come and there are days that I can jump over the rainbow. In between I find myself struggling to find my breath and try not to destroy the relationships that I hold dear.
Many of you know me personally and know that I have a wonderful man in my life that I hold near and dear. He has been there through the darkness and the light. He knows my potential and he trusts I will give him the life I dream of but he knows that I struggle to live each day.
Over the past few months we have drifted apart and he has watched me self destruct. I know that he was tortured by our bad times and that he wanted things to get better but he knew he had to let me find myself again. I drifted away from him although I knew he was right there. I watched him drift away although he knew I was right there.
As Christmas approached I was spiralling out of control. I lost my job, I was so depressed that I could barely speak. For the first time in many years of controlled medication I was contemplating my own mortality. It sounds so morbid and final but I was ready to just end the pain and chaos in my head. The fighting had to end and I just needed to bring peace to those I loved.
Can you imagine my thoughts of death bringing peace to those who loved me?
When Christmas came and I had all of my gifts wrapped under the tree and he was gone to his family without me I walked the house. I walked back and forth. I was going to kill myself. I just had to do it in a way that would not make a mess or scare them all for the rest of their lives. My mind had convinced me that it was the only way to get through this agony I felt.
Then he came home. I told him that I loved him. I told him that I was sorry and that I just needed to talk. I needed him to know how I felt and in turn I need to know how he felt.
He loves me. He just wanted me to talk to him. After almost 5 years he just wanted to be told that he was loved. We had almost lost everything because I failed to tell him how perfect he was.
When you suffer from a mental illness you almost always try to hide it. You almost always feel guilt and cross the road of suicide. What is important is that you talk to those that you love and let them know you are in trouble and need help. Darren opened his heart to me this holiday and let me know that no matter what is going on he will be there. He reminded me of his love and that when that dark, morbid, demon comes into my mind again I can talk to him and know that I am loved.
There is a little princess in my life and her name is Kennedy. She may not understand the illness that haunts her daddy but she can alway know that there is a man in our lives that saved us all in the Christmas in 2011. His name is Darren and I promise you and him that I will make him the happiest man in the world. He doesn't read these blogs often but I promise you and him that he will be my husband. It may not be this year or next year, but he will be the luckiest guy in the world very soon!
Thanks Darren for saving my life this year and giving me the chance to tackle 2012. I promise you that I will make you the happiest man in the coming years.
Do me a favour this new year and learn and understand mental illness. Reach out to your family or friends who suffer from this debilitating disease and let them know they are loved. Don't judge them, don't fight them, just love them. Every year thousands of people die at their own hands because they are suffering. When they are gone their names and their memories suffer more because people don't understand what was happening in their heads.
Mental illness is hard to understand. Imagine how hard it is to understand for those that can't even think straight.
Your love brings me comfort, your thoughts bring me joy, but to think that my words and thoughts can save the life of your loved ones will make it all worth while.
Please reach out, love and connect. You may just save a life.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Favourite Things

Julie Andrews as "Fraulein Maria"
Raindrops on roses & whiskers on kittens.
Sometimes when I am having a particularly tough night I do what Fraulein Maria says to do and I simply remember my favourite things. It is clear that Maria and I are from completely different worlds as her favourite things are nothing like mine.
Let's start  at the very beginning, a very good place to start. LOL I couldn't help myself there.
So we have raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, neither of which I am particularly found of. I suppose I have seen a raindrop on a rose before but of all things in life, this would fall near the end of my list. As for the whiskers on kittens, wouldn't it be weird if the kitten had no whisks at all? Perhaps I just take that one for granted.
So now we have bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. Bright copper kettle don't even make me smile and warm woollen mittens remind me of winter. So again we are at the bottom of the list.
Brown Paper packages tied up with strings are things  we take away from the bitter so that can go on my list. I like meat.
Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudel really do rank high for me. Ponies are just mini horses and to me seem like angry strong people trapped in an animals body. Apple desserts are gross and collectively fall at the bottom of my list.
Doorbells & sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodle. Hmmmm, this a tough one. Doorbells definitely have a great function in life but I can't get all exited and grant them favourite thing status. Sleigh bells to me are simply and instrument in the Christmas concert. I have never even seen a sleigh in real life so I am not buying this one. Schnitzel with noodle on the other hand is one of my favourite foods for sure! So finally me and Mrs. Von Trapp have something in common
I have been shit on too many geese in life to appreciate the wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, so I am not even gonna discuss the merits of this one.
So when we break down this beloved song of Maria Von Trapp's favourite things we really begin to see that it must be the tune that has captured us for close to 50 years because that lady had some freaky favourite things.
One thing we have to remember I suppose is that Maria Von Trapp didn't write that song. It was written for the movie "The Sound of Music" and was more than likely a list of nobody's favourite things but rather a rhyming little jingle that made us all smile.
Julie Andrews won our hearts with her portrayal of the lovely nun who fell in love with a handsome Captain while eating schnitzel and admiring geese by night but I don't believe that the list of things we sing about today could possible be today.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes? really? Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes? Wouldn't that make you dead? Fraulein Maria was way smarter that that. She didn't seem like the kinda lady that would love a blue satin sash better than anything.
She fled the Nazis in the 1930's and she and her family eventually settled in the States performing their magic for generations.
Her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to this day will sing those cherished songs in public concerts around the world. Poor old Maria has since passed away and the world is left with the odd appearance of Julie Andrews on "The View" to see the smile of Maria alive again.
I am not going to bother to list my own favourite things in song here today as mine would most not likely be g-rated but I did find a clever little parody of the song on the Von Trapp's website.  I like to think it was the song that the dear old Maria would have been singing in her final years. God Love her.
We all know the tune so please, take a moment and sing along to the new Von Trapp family's favourite things.

My Favorite Things – A Parody
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
And the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
The Real Maria

Adieu, Adieu to you and you and you. xoxo